in which we fall apart and get up again

July 20, 2012 at 9:03 am Leave a comment

The dam broke last night. I fought with my mom two or three times in about as many hours; I cried for a good long time, and I fought with myself even more.

It’s hardly unique to me, but I hate that my struggles come back. Again and again. And I am so very tired of this one.

That Perfect Girl crept up on me, unexpectedly, last night. I wish I could say that I promptly took her behind the shed and murdered her, but instead I just cried. Because I was sad, confused, angry at my own limitations. (it’s an unfortunate thing about me: I tend to cry when I’m mad. Which is hugely annoying, because then I lose the intimidation element that I’m trying to get across. Awkward).

I can’t balance everything I want to. And it’s not tons of random, frivolous, fun activities – I simply feel like I can’t balance the essentials. Not only am I trying to juggle, but I’m trying to juggle things that don’t go together. An apple, a plate, a ball, a flag, fire.

I can’t figure out how to make everyone and everything a priority at once. And i think that one of my deepest fears is that I won’t be able to show the people in my life how much they mean to me. Words mean nothing if not followed up by action, by time given and invested.

I want to say I’m sorry. But I’m tired of apologizing for not being enough – and I don’t think I need to, either.

It’s funny: yes, this is an issue arising from my ongoing (but I am learning and growing! Promise!) battle with perfectionism and people-pleasing. But it’s also a result of being so very blessed – and I just want to let the people and opportunities know that I appreciate them with every fiber of my being.

Today, I’m praying to live in grace. Offering what I have and can, trusting God to multiply and complete the rest. I pray for a heart at rest, even when mind and body are running around. To recognize the fears and lies for what they are and reject them.

To live in grace: that’s all I can ask, and all I’m supposed to do.

(Lest you worry about me, this summer has really been one of the most delightful ever. I’ve learned and done so much, and I’m so grateful. But my heart wanders in the midst of it, or I get too busy and try to do it All By Myself, and I’m realizing that God doesn’t let that go on too long before I crash and burn and am forced to admit that I can’t do it alone and I was never supposed to. Hence, this post.)

But while we’re talking about Things I Do All By Myself, yesterday I navigated the previously scary Philly subway system alone. Successfully.

And I’m pretty darn pleased about that.

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Entry filed under: random nonsense.

live, love, learn, summer Home

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