sometimes, i feel stuck in march

June 20, 2011 at 5:47 pm Leave a comment

March seems to be a good analogy for my life right now. Or rather, what I feel about my life right now, on both the physical and spiritual levels.

It’s not winter. 

There are green things shooting up – sometimes unexpectedly – and a promise of something new. But they’re flowers I didn’t plant, and I have no idea what they will look like when they bloom. Things are changing, in the physical and spiritual realms. My sister moved away and started her first post-college job, and sometims I don’t have a clue what God is teaching me but just the vague sense that He is.

Things are new, and exciting. I have internships. I’m looking forward to going back to college in the fall, and watching friendships flow and adapt and beautify through the season is a beautiful thing.

But March is not summer. I’m hoping for summer, hoping that one day I’ll figure out what is going on, have the relationship with God that I want instead of wondering if I’m playing a celestial game of hide-and-seek, where He’s doing the hiding and I’m only sometimes doing the seeking. And I’m tired of not being able to figure this out, and tired of the person I’m becoming. Tired of the brown grass.

Looking forward to summer vacation, that paradise of “knowing in full”.

And there are days when it seems to be winter again: the skies are grey, the winds are cold, and I feel like I’ve been stuck in this season for forever and all I want is to get out but I don’t know how because no one can control the weather.

And every day is different. Sometimes there are days when I can see snow melting, things growing and changing and I just know that wonderful things will happen, but it’s still freezing and I still need a coat. I still close my Bible and pray that I want to know all this as heart knowledge, but I don’t, and my feelings are betraying me and making me feel betrayed and I don’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it and all I want to see something bloom, please, but thank you that I can see things green and growing.

Some days it feels like June. Some days like February. But mostly March: standing on the cusp of change and new life and growth, even if I can’t name it exactly; standing in that place of waiting and hoping for warm breezes and summer days and being thoroughly sick of February weather.

—–

In other news, I caught my first firefly of the summer the other day. I decided that “firefly” is ever so much more poetic than my usual “lightening bug”, and I may or may not have bewildered my little sister by starting to sing a certain famous song by Owl City.

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What do you do when you don’t work? summer is for reading

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