my world

March 11, 2011 at 6:54 pm 4 comments

My bed is basically my entire world right now.  One one side I have the covers turned down and my pillow propped on a beach blanket for when my eyes start watering and my face starts stinging and I want to snuggle.  And on the other side of the bed, I’m leaning against the footboard with my laptop on my lap.  Boxes of tissues and hand sanitizer spray are also at my disposal, as well as a tray of plastic food thoughtfully prepared for me by my little sister.  And three hand-made get well cards.

I’ve got a whole little universe wrapped up in one double bed.  (And really, who am I kidding?  The most important part is the laptop!  I can listen to music, go on facebook, consider writing a paper…)

You’d think I was seriously sick or something.

Thankfully, I’m not.  Nothing serious, just the kind of cold that slams  you with every symptom at once and makes you Miserable with a capital M.

But, I am on the mend!  Yesterday was most definitely my worst day.  (You know it’s bad when even being in bed doesn’t help!)

This has not been the spring break I was anticipating, though.  Which has left me struggling with how to evaluate it.

I had good goals – help my family and play with my sister a lot; write an essay that’s due next week, and freshen my resume and apply to internships and jobs.

I have been able to help my family a wee bit, and play with my sister, though not to the extent that I’d hoped.  It’s humbling and kind of sad to see her nonchalantly accept having to play by herself, or work hard to make me cards, or play games on her baby computer because I’m on mine, attempting to do some sort of work.

The resume is finished, but I now have to deal with all the cover letters and nonsense that comes with actually applying.  And then apply to some part-time jobs, too – we’re hoping to pull the part-time unpaid internship and part-time real job thing this summer.  (Don’t think me weird – but I’ve actually kind of always wanted to be a waitress.  At least I can pretend I’m an actress and don’t have to accost people when they enter a store with a bright I work on commission! smile.  We’ll see what ends up happening, though!)

So I had all these do-able goals, and most of them have crumbled.  One thing that I have been able to do, which has been wonderful, is have a long quiet time every day.  And through the journaling, the thinking, I’ve been wondering – do I find my identity in the things I do?

I don’t know.

But it’s been hard for me to accept this week when I haven’t really done anything of merit.  It’s hard for me to see how my just being home can help my family in any way, especially when they seem to do a lot more helping me.

And then God asks me, quietly, if I feel that way about my relationship with Him.  Do I need to always be doing something to prove to myself and others that I’m loved, I’m useful, I’m _____?  What about the times when I just can’t? Can I realize that none of that really matters anyway, that God only wants my heart?  He loves me just as much whether I do a lot or whether I don’t.  And he wants me to rest in his love, and not try to do [good] things he hasn’t asked.

But to be still and know.

Maybe this forced stillness has been good for me, after all.

(The aggravating thing is that if I was really sick, I wouldn’t mind so much; but this is just the irritating and Miserable sickness, so it’s just a pretty lame excuse).

So that’s where I’ve been lately.  Learning what it looks like to be enough – not because of what I’ve done, but because God loves me.

Yesterday, when I was crying about not feeling well and being overwhelmed, I turned on Sara Groves’ song “It’s Going to Be All Right” and let it wash over me.

It was lovely.

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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Annie  |  March 11, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    I love this post. I love your perspective, I love the thoughts you’ve provoked, I love your prose.

    I think it’s so difficult to accept that we don’t have to do anything for God’s love and grace, because we find value in what we do, whether it’s for other people or in pursuit of material success, or anything else. I think mostly we’re just called to be – to be loving, to be kind, to be content, to be passionate. And I think with this post you have demonstrated that that’s what you’ve been learning this past week. Thank you for sharing the lesson.

    Reply
    • 2. overlapped  |  March 13, 2011 at 10:49 pm

      You are always so sweet and encouraging, Annie! Thank you, my friend 🙂 I’m glad someone understands the thoughts and lessons bouncing around in my brain!

      Reply
  • 3. Ellie  |  March 13, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    I Love You.

    I know it can be really hard to explain to other people what you did for spring break when they have these crazy stories, but you can say that you grew in character. And thought it’d be hard to ask for that over some crazy fun adventure. But know in the long run you’ll be able to bless someone because of what you went through.

    You are special. You are important. You are my friend. And I couldn’t ask for anything more 😛

    Reply
    • 4. overlapped  |  March 13, 2011 at 10:50 pm

      I needed this, Ellie. You warm my heart. Thank you so much! I love you dearly 🙂

      Reply

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