December 14, 2010 at 10:56 am 2 comments

The Christian life is one great big and awkward paradox. 

Being content here yet yearning for heaven at the same time.  Hungering yet being satisfied.  Counting losses as gains. 

And in my case, I also feel like I’m two completely different people. 

The first one wants a nice life, thank you very much.  She wants to fall in love, have a great family, and stay as far away from pain, sorrow, and trouble as possible.  And she complains when those things don’t seem to be happening and asks where God is what he is doing whenever she sees suffering.

The second knows that somehow God is in the middle of pain, and can only be deeply found in the sorrow.  And she wants to be used for His glory, no matter the cost.  Because somehow, she knows that it will be worth it, and compared to what she will gain – she can’t lose anything anyway. 

I want to be the second girl.  But I confess that my actions don’t match my words.  I give money when it is comfortable, and that’s about it.  I have zero desire to be an overseas missionary.  Ever.  And so I remind myself that God certainly doesn’t call everyone to do that, that perhaps my greatest work can be done right here, using my gifts and the opportunities He gives me right from good old Pennsylvania.  But that means that I don’t really listen to Him, just in case He does ask me to do something like that.  I make excuses.

I pray that God would break my heart for what breaks His.  And then I try not to see the brokenness that surrounds me; the brokennness that no band-aid or $10 could ever fix, the complete and utter pain and injustice and just-plain-wrongness that breaks His heart.

I hear about people who are living, really living; whose lives are making a difference, who are making the choice to follow God no matter the cost.  Like Katie, who moved to Uganda for one year when she finished high school – and is now 21 and has to give everything up (including the love of her life) when she realized that God was honestly asking her to stay.  Forever.  And she’s adopted fourteen girls. 

And I look at my own life.  I want to live like that.  But I don’t. 

So right now, I’m just praying for courage.  I know God won’t give me more than I can handle, and I pray for the courage to look and listen; courage to believe in the midst of my disbelief, courage to ee, and courage to actually do something.  Not stand here and protest and make excuses.  I pray for the courage to trust and the courage to obey, no matter the cost. 

I want to be like Mary, who in the midst of a normal day had her life turned upside-down and spun on its side – and simply said yes.  She had only an inkling of what she was getting herself into – and that inkling was terrifying on its own, I’m sure – but she said yes.

“May it be to me as you have said.”

That’s my prayer.


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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Katie (your sister)  |  December 14, 2010 at 11:54 am

    “Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.” (Luke 1:45)

    He has plans for you; hold on, be willing, and wait.

    Love you!

  • 2. Annie  |  December 14, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    i’m learning this same thing right now, Megan. and a lot of other my blogging friends are saying the same thing. isn’t it crazy? i can see God moving amongst myself and the bloggers i know even though we are in all different places around the US. God is faithful to keep perfecting us – i keep repeating that to myself, and praying hebrews 10:23: “let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”

    i also love joshua 1:9 – “have i not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”


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