the things I wish I was

March 13, 2010 at 5:17 am 2 comments

Dad and I were talking about graphic design last night.  That had been one of my ideas for a major, but it came to a swift end when I didn’t get accepted into the program.  Oh well.  Actually, now I’m really grateful, because I think it would have been a bit too confining as a career, and would have left me alone in front of the computer a bit too long.  I’m not one of those artistic people who spend their days alone in a room, creating things of beauty.  No, I like alone time just fine, but if you give me too much of it I will literally go crazy.  And while I still love graphic design, and like to play around with pictures and colors and text, I think that I was in love with the idea of it more than anything else. 

Come to think of it, I love the idea of lots of things.  I love the idea of being a sporty, athletic girl, for example – playing soccer, going on long runs with my ponytail bouncing.  Love it.  In reality, though, I’m so not a sporty girl.  Hikes are okay as long as they’re short and not mountain-climbing; soccer is fine although I’m awful, and I hate running.  Hate it. 

I also wish I was Miss Photographer, the girl running around with the cool camera and the talent and know-how to take cool pictures.  Who actually loves to take cool pictures.  Maybe I wish I was Jessina.  (Come to think of it, she likes running and soccer and graphic design too.  Hmmm).  We’ll see if that changes once I get a camera that can actually fit in a purse and take two pictures before the battery dies.  But while I hope to take pictures more often – and I do love pictures! – I know that at heart I’ll probably never be this fun photographer.  Who am I trying to kid?  I just make my friends take pictures, while I smile and know that eventually I’ll get my hands on them via facebook. 

And then I wonder what kind of a girl I am.  Am I a dancer?  A singer?  A writer?  An actress?  Something else?  I’m all of these, to some extent, although I think I’m also trying to find my voice in all of them.  I’m a complete copycat and mimic, that I know.  When I sing, if I’ve heard someone perform this song before, I’ll try to sound like them.  (Sometimes unintentionally!) And when I write, I go back to all my favorite authors, who seem to create words so effortlessly and beautifully, and try to be like them.  So sometimes, I’m so busy trying to be like the people who have gotten it that I have no idea who I actually am. 

My guess is that finding my voice – writing or otherwise – takes time.  So maybe in ten years I can pretend I’ve got it all together.  Or maybe I’ll still just be getting started. 

What kind of person do you love the idea of being?  What kind of person are you?

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books & break a heart for the hurting

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Annie  |  March 13, 2010 at 5:55 am

    Oh my gosh! This resonates with me so much! I also love the idea of being the sporty girl, or the super creative girl, or something like that, or mimicking someone else’s way of singing or writing. Thanks for the reminder that we need to find our own voices. I think that’s why I’ve liked the idea of brutal honesty so much, because then I know I’ve told my story in my way, and not anybody’s else’s story, and/or in their manner of writing/speaking/telling.

  • 2. Becca Anne  |  March 14, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    I wish I was you sometimes, megan. or leslie ludy. I kind of lump you two together in my mind.

    I wish I was the kind of girl who always had a funny story to tell and an interesting life situation to ponder over.

    when I was 15 or 16, I would have traded myself in for just about anyone else – I wanted to be anybody but me. Then I found my “singer” persona – and that made me feel more accepted and more like who I was supposed to be. Hopefully that’s because I’m where God wants me to be!


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